Still Leaving

I wish I could say I laughed.

Like properly laughed
and hung up the phone
and told someone later
“you will not believe what he just asked me”

I didn’t.

We’d already argued.

It had blown up over LinkedIn.

Not even proper social media.

LinkedIn.

People I don’t even know or talk to.
Companies.
People in my industry.
Stuff related to work.

That was it.

And he wanted me to delete boys.

Which is also funny when you think about it, because
just months before that
I had already deleted all my actual social media.

Facebook.
Snapchat.
Instagram.

Not because he directly asked me to.

But because it had already become an issue.

He had asked me to delete people.

And I did.

Old classmates.
Childhood friends.
Direct friends.
Some women.
People I’d known for years.
Siblings’ partners.
Cousins.

I went through and removed them
like that would fix something.

And it still wasn’t enough.

So it just became easier
to delete everything.

And now this.

LinkedIn.

People I don’t even know.

That’s what we’re arguing about.

And I said no.

Not aggressively.
Not dramatically.

Just no.

I wasn’t deleting more people.

And that’s when it started.

He started calling me names.

Over that.

And then he did what he always does.

Started it…
then disappeared.

Ignoring me.

Not answering calls.
Not letting me explain anything.

So now I’m just left there
with something I didn’t even create
and no way to fix it.

We didn’t talk for a couple of days.

And then later…

when he’s ready to talk again,

that’s when it changes.

Now he’s anxious.

Now he’s worried.

Now he wants to know
what I’ve been doing.

And I remember thinking…

you created this.

You started this whole thing
and now you’re stressed about it.

And then he asks.

Casually.

To show him how long my vagina hair was

He wanted to see.

On video call.

So I couldn’t fake it.

To “prove”
I hadn’t shaved for someone else
while he was away.

Like I was going to run it through AI or something.

And I remember thinking,

this is actually ridiculous.

Even if I did?

What if I did shave?

I’m allowed to shave.

Should’ve been the end of it when I said no.

But it doesn’t work like that with him.

Because by that point
it’s not about what makes sense anymore.

It’s about what he’s decided.

So it turned into another argument.

Me explaining.
Him not believing it.
Me explaining it again
slightly differently
like maybe I’d say it in the right way this time.

And you get stuck in that loop.

Where you’re trying to prove something
that doesn’t even make sense.

And at some point
you feel the shift.

Where it stops being about being right.

And starts being about
making it stop.

And I remember thinking…

this is so unnecessary.

And also thinking…

if I just do it,
this will end.

This will make it stop, I thought.

So I sent it.

Not confidently.
Not because I agreed with it.

Just… sent it.

And then waited.

Because that’s what you do.

You wait to see if it worked.

And for a second…

it did.

Everything calmed down.

The argument dropped.

And my brain did that thing
where it goes:

see
that fixed it
that wasn’t that bad

Even though something in me
knew it was.

That’s what I wish people understood.

You don’t do things like that
because you think it’s normal.

You do it
because you’ve been arguing for so long
over things that don’t make sense
that your standards shift
without you noticing.

And suddenly
sending something like that

feels easier
than another hour
of explaining yourself.

If you had asked me before that
if I’d ever do something like that,

I would’ve said no.

Straight away.

And then I did.

And I stayed.

And it didn’t stop there.

Because after that,

it wasn’t even just about arguments anymore.

I got to a point where I was thinking about everything.

What I was doing.
How it looked.
What it might mean.

Even things that had nothing to do with anyone else.

Like shaving.

Like showering.

Normal things.

I’d catch myself thinking…

what does this look like?

Who is this for?

And then having to remind myself
it’s just… for me.

That’s when it really hits you.

Not the argument.

But how far it got into your head.

Where you’re questioning things
you should never have to question.

And if you’re reading this thinking
“why would you even do that”

it’s not because you’re stupid.

It’s not because you don’t know better.

It’s because you get worn down.

Slowly.

Over time.

Until things that should feel wrong
just feel like the easiest option.

And it only takes one moment like that
for things to start shifting.