Still Leaving

I wish I could say this was a joke.

Like one of those “I was so crazy back then” stories.

It’s not.

I was dead serious.

We hadn’t spoken in months. One of those long breaks where you tell yourself “this is it, it’s done this time.”

And you almost believe it.

But it never really feels done.

Because even after everything, I still wanted him.

Not all of it.

Just the version of him that was funny. Easy to be around. The one that made everything feel normal again.

That’s the version you hold onto.

Not the one that hurt you.

That night wasn’t dramatic.

I just had one of those moments where I missed him so much it felt physical.

And I cried.

Not because I didn’t know better.

I did.

I just couldn’t help it.

I didn’t want logic.

I wanted relief.

And when it gets like that, your brain starts reaching.

For anything.

So first, I tried asking ChatGPT for some kind of attraction spell to get him to call me.

It literally wouldn’t.

So I went to Google.

And from there… it just escalated.

Candles. Flowers. Pen and paper. Instructions that sounded serious enough to almost feel convincing.

And I was sitting there thinking, am I actually doing this?

And also not stopping.

Because I didn’t want reasonable.

I wanted a call.

Because waiting like that does something to you.

It makes you feel like your whole mood depends on someone who you don’t even know is thinking about you or might not call you at all.

Especially after six months.

So I did it.

Not properly. Not perfectly.

But not joking either.

Just enough to feel like maybe something would shift.

Maybe he’d think of me.

Maybe I’d get something back.

And then nothing happened.

No call. No message. Just silence.

And eventually, I let it go again.

Or at least tried to.

A few weeks later, he called.

And I didn’t think about the spell.

I just felt relief.

Like everything I’d been holding in my chest finally dropped.

Like I could breathe again.

Because it didn’t feel like “this is someone who hurt me calling.”

It felt like “this is the person I wanted.”

He apologised.

Said the right things. Admitted what he’d done.

And I thought:

this is it.

This is what I’ve been waiting for.

We’re finally going to be okay.

We’re finally going to be happy together.

That belief is what gets you.

Because in that moment, it doesn’t feel like going backwards.

It feels like everything is finally working.

So we tried again.

And looking back…

it’s not even about how quickly I went back.

I never really left.

I was still waiting. Still hoping. Still wanting him.

So when he came back, it didn’t take much.

All it took was:

a call
an apology
a glimpse of who he used to be

and yeah… apparently a bit of witchcraft too.

And I was right back in it.

And this is the part I actually want you to take from this.

If you’ve ever done something like that, or thought about doing something like that…

you’re not crazy.

You’re not broken.

You just had a moment.

And that’s all it takes.

One moment where you miss them. One moment where you feel it again. One moment where relief sounds better than logic.

And suddenly, you’re right back there.

Not because you didn’t learn anything.

But because you’re human.

Because something in you got used to that relationship feeling normal.

Even when it wasn’t.

You got used to:

them being inconsistent
them disappearing
them coming back
and you feeling better again

So your brain links them with relief.

Not safety.

Not something steady.

Just relief.

And when something that should have been steady, like how someone shows up for you. keeps coming and going…

your brain starts chasing the return of it.

That’s how you end up waiting, hoping, and doing things you’d never normally do.

Not because you’re fucked.

But because you got used to something unstable feeling like it mattered more than it should have.

And once you see that, even a little bit, things start to shift.

Not all at once.

But enough to realise maybe it’s not you.