Still Leaving

One of the hardest parts of toxic relationships is not always the relationship itself.

Sometimes it is the people around it.

The friends.
The family.
The coworkers.
The well-meaning people with strong opinions and no idea what they’re talking about.

Because when you’re already confused, ashamed, attached, exhausted, and trying to survive something unhealthy…

being surrounded by people who misunderstand it can make leaving even harder.


“Why don’t you just leave?”

A classic.

Usually said by someone imagining one bad fight and one dramatic exit.

Not years of manipulation.

Not trauma bonding.

Not fear.

Not being slowly worn down until you barely trust your own thoughts.

Not loving the same person hurting you.

Leaving sounds simple when you ignore everything involved.



“If it was that bad, you would have left.”

Also popular.

As if staying proves safety.

As if confusion means consent.

As if fear always looks terrified.

As if abuse victims receive a timer and a clear evacuation route.

Many people stay because it is bad.

Because bad relationships often damage the exact parts of you needed to leave.

Confidence.
Clarity.
Energy.
Support.
Self-trust.

“But he seems nice.”

Of course he does.

Imagine how short these relationships would be if they were awful every second.

Most harmful people are not monsters 24/7.

They can be funny.

Charming.

Helpful.

Normal in public.

Lovely to other people.

That is often part of why it works.



“You must like the drama.”

This one deserves jail time.

Nobody likes panic.

Nobody likes walking on eggshells.

Nobody likes crying in bathrooms, losing weight, feeling sick, checking phones, or doubting their sanity.

People can become attached to familiar patterns.

That is different from liking suffering.



“Do you have kids? No? Then it should be easy.”

No.

Kids can absolutely add layers of complexity.

But children are not the only thing that can trap someone.

Fear can trap someone.

Money can trap someone.

Shame can trap someone.

Trauma can trap someone.

Housing can trap someone.

Isolation can trap someone.

Love can trap someone.

The nervous system can trap someone.

Different people get stuck in different ways.



“Just block him.”

Thank you, revolutionary.

If only nobody had ever considered the block button.

Sometimes people block and get harassed elsewhere.

Sometimes they block and panic.

Sometimes they block and go back.

Sometimes the issue is emotional, practical, or physical safety — not a missing tech solution.



“You need to take accountability too.”

Sometimes true.

Sometimes weaponised.

There is a difference between acknowledging your own unhealthy coping and pretending both sides carried equal weight.

Many survivors already take too much accountability.

That is why they stay apologising while someone else stays harmful.



The hidden damage of bad advice

When people keep misunderstanding what you’re living through, it can make you question yourself even more.

Maybe I’m dramatic.
Maybe it’s not that bad.
Maybe I’m weak.
Maybe everyone thinks this is normal.
Maybe I’m the problem.

That is dangerous.

Because confusion is fertile ground for staying.



Unsupportive support

Some people care about you deeply and still don’t know how to help.

That’s real too.

Love does not automatically equal insight.

Someone can mean well and still shame you.

Someone can want better for you and still oversimplify it.

Someone can support you emotionally one day and judge you the next.

That mixed support can feel destabilising.

You stop knowing where safety is.



What helps instead

Less:

Why don’t you leave?
Just block him.
He seems nice.
You like the drama.
Couldn’t be me.

More:

What happens when you try to leave?
How has this affected you?
Do you feel safe?
What support would actually help?
I’m here, even if it takes time.

That is support.

Not performance.



Final thoughts

No one fully understands something they haven’t lived.

That’s normal.

But speaking confidently about pain you don’t understand can keep people trapped longer than you realise.

So if the people around you made it harder, not easier,

that does not mean you failed to leave.

Sometimes people are trying to guide you out of a maze they cannot even see.